


Coming at a Bad Time

by taqarat



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, post trk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-14 08:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16489226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taqarat/pseuds/taqarat
Summary: Of course that was Adam’s reaction. It was why Ronan had been so careful to begin with. Push Adam a little and he fights back. Push him too far and he retreats into himself, confirming that he doesn’t need anyone but himself. Doesn’t need Ronan at all.Well, if Ronan had stepped over the line he’d so carefully been toeing all day, he might as well stomp on it for good measure.OrAdam's never been good at asking for help. He learns.





	1. One

“Jesus H Fucking Christ!” Ronan spat out after he split the third shingle in as many minutes. He dropped the hammer into the dirt at his feet and walked away from the side of the barn before he did more damage. He knew he shouldn’t be attempting a job that required any sort of finesse when he was in his current mood. He needed something that required brute strength or fast driving or even just an intimidating stare. Honestly, what he really wanted to do was destroy something, but he was getting better at curbing that side of himself.

A gentle breeze stirred the long grasses around him and Ronan closed his eyes in an attempt to let it soothe him. He opened them to see Opal crossing the field towards him with an expression on her face that threatened to do the complete opposite. He hastily put the hammer away before she could spot it. She looked as destructive as Ronan felt.

“What’s up, runt?” he asked when she was within earshot.

"Adam won’t play with me.”

“I told you not to bug him,” he admonished.

“I wasn’t bugging him. I just asked him to play.”

“How many times?”

She narrowed one eye at him, displeased to be called out like that. It was enough for Ronan to know she’d asked him many times. Likely a dozen.

“He’s busy with school work. You need to leave him alone.”

“He’s always busy. When is he going to stop being busy?”

That made Ronan heave a big sigh. “I don’t know, Brat. I don’t know.” Ronan rumpled her hair fondly. “Wanna go pick some berries with me?”

Thankfully she agreed. It was best to keep them both out of the house for as long as possible.

 

Adam had shown up unexpectedly that morning and Ronan had been happily surprised for all of 10 seconds. He should’ve known that the universe wouldn’t give him a weekend with his boyfriend without a catch. Adam was still nursing the nasty cough that he’d had for two weeks. It had gotten him sent home from a shift at Boyd’s and barred from coming back for a week. Ronan was grateful to Boyd for making Adam take a break - something so clearly necessary and also completely outside of Ronan’s power to request. But, Adam had been counting on those shifts and as a result was in a pissy mood. 

And instead of using those unexpected free hours to rest and get healthy and hang out with his awesome boyfriend, Adam had taken over the dining room table to write essays. Ronan had buttoned his lips and reluctantly left him to it. They’d been toeing the line of an epic fight for weeks now and Ronan was determined to avoid it.

Ronan pondered the problem as he picked berries with Opal. And later as he made chicken noodle soup for lunch, listening to Adam’s hacking cough from the other room.

Adam hadn’t gotten into his first choice college which had sent him into a mini-tailspin a month before. Then, he’d heard from his third choice (because of course Adam had them carefully ranked on a nerdy, complicated spreadsheet). His third choice, god bless those geniuses in admissions, had offered Adam a full ride package that included living expenses and a stipend for books and every thing that Adam could possibly want for. And Adam had been so happy for two blissful days. 

Then his second choice envelope came. That school had the nerve to not just admit Adam, but to only grant him a partial scholarship for tuition and nothing to cover all the other expenses. Those fucking bastards, along with Adam’s stupid pride, had ruined everything. Because of course Adam couldn’t say no to that challenge and had quickly mapped out a plan of extra shifts upon extra shifts and spending every other spare moment applying for random scholarships. 

And Ronan had to sit quietly by and watch it happen. Adam had shared his plan with the baffled group at Nino’s one evening. Blue, brilliant, fearless Blue, had pointed out that there was barely any difference on Adam’s spreadsheet between number two and three. And Henry, god bless him, speculated that a degree from either school would give Adam every opportunity he could imagine. Neither could fathom why Adam would pass on the full ride. Only Gansey had remained silent. He’d smiled sadly at Ronan, squeezed his knee in solidarity, and got up to pay his bill.

***

The doorframe dug into Ronan’s shoulder as he hovered in the hallway watching Adam. He was in bad shape. The worst Ronan had seen him in a long while. Way past the point of Ronan being able to goad him into something stupid to let off steam. Way past seeing normal offers of comfort as anything but pity and condescension. Way past reason. Ronan fucking hated it. He eyed the tray he was holding nervously, trying to figure out how best to get Adam to eat or drink something.

He’d made attempts earlier in the day to come at it sideways. He’d become pretty adept at getting Adam to accept things from him without getting his nose out of joint. But he was losing patience with all those tactics. They took too much time - a commodity Ronan was quickly running out of. Adam was leaving for school in a few months and there was so much Ronan needed to give him before he left. He didn’t have time for these games anymore.

There was the stuff he’d been dreaming; a cell phone; a laptop; a good winter coat; shoes that aren’t full of holes; maybe a blanket for his dorm that smells like the Barns. But there was more than the physical stuff. What Ronan needed Adam to accept most was his support. He needed to know that if Adam needed him, needed anything, he’d ask for it. He’d ask for it from Ronan. It was going to be torture being so far away from him, but he could survive it if he could trust that Adam would ask for help when he needed it. 

He finally just plopped the tray down unceremoniously on the table. Adam eyed it suspiciously. Okay, maybe he’d gone a bit overboard. There was a bowl of soup and crackers. And another type of crackers just in case. Tea and juice and some fruit. A few of his favorite cookies. And another type of tea.

Adam sighed dramatically then went back to work without even looking up at Ronan. Frustrated, Ronan shoved it another foot down the table towards him. The juice tottered precariously which at least got Adam to react. His hand shot out to steady the cup and he reluctantly looked at Ronan with brows furrowed.

“Jesus, Ronan, I don’t need all this. I can take care of myself.”

“Well then fucking do it.”

Adam just looked at him with complete exasperation. Like he was the most annoying idiot on the planet. Well, if Ronan had stepped over the line he’d so carefully been toeing all day, he might as well stomp on it for good measure.

"If you’re so good at taking care of yourself then do it. Eat something. Sleep. Give your body a fucking break so that you can get healthy. I’m sick of watching you like this.”

“Fine then. I’ll go and you won’t have to watch me at all.”

Of course that was Adam’s reaction. It was why he’d had to be so careful to begin with. Push Adam a little and he fights back. Push him too far and he retreats into himself, confirming that he doesn’t need anyone but himself. Doesn’t need Ronan at all.

“Don’t bother, Parrish. I’m going. Do what you fucking want.”

Ronan stormed out of the house with his keys gripped so tightly in his fist they threatened to break skin. But the pain wasn’t enough to distract him from how badly he’d fucked that up. That was exactly the opposite of what he’d wanted to achieve. Instead of easing Adam’s stress he’d made it worse. Pushed him farther away instead of getting him to let him in. 

But, he had little doubt that Adam was already back to work on his paper. He’d witnessed Adam shut down his feelings, no matter how upset he was, to get shit done countless times. His ability to compartmentalize, while infuriating, was a quality that Ronan craved for himself. He imagined a world where he didn’t have to feel every fucking emotion so goddamn much. He threw himself into his car and banged his fists on the steering wheel as hard as he could.

Watching someone self destruct was painful. Being pushed away when you try to help was torture. He felt a stab of sympathy for Gansey. He thought back to all those months when he’d been drinking and racing and pushing Gansey away. Which gave him an idea. 

He slammed the door loudly on the BMW and peeled out of the driveway as fast as he dared. Straight for the nearest liquor store.


	2. Two

It was approaching evening by the time Adam heard the BMW roar back up the driveway. He’d been tempted to go back to St. Agnes after Ronan had left to avoid another fight when he returned. He was too tired to get into it again and retreating into himself was so much easier than trying to open himself up. But, he was trying to curb that side of himself.

He went out onto the front porch to meet Ronan, to maybe apologize. As Ronan climbed out of the car he dropped a glass bottle of something that clattered noisily on the gravel. Ronan swore and then stumbled as he tried to pick it up.

Adam couldn’t believe it. “Jesus Christ, Ronan. Are you drunk?”

Ronan straightened up and looked at Adam defiantly, but didn’t answer.

Adam was furious. He seethed in silence as Ronan approached. He pictured the blind corners and narrow roads that stretched between the Barns and town. “Are you fucking kidding me? We fight and you deal with it by getting drunk and getting behind the wheel?”

Ronan just looked away with a bored expression.

“Grow up, Ronan! That behavior is stupid and reckless and…. and… fucking selfish.”

“Selfish?” he asked, blandly.

Ronan’s nonchalance just infuriated him more. Why couldn’t Ronan see how much this scared him? “Yes selfish. You have people that care about you and depend on you. You can’t go off and be self destructive anymore. Jesus Ronan. You can’t…” His voice embarrassingly faltered, but he didn’t care. He was desperate to get Ronan to understand.

Ronan finally looked chagrined. He looked down at his feet and kicked at the gravel.

Adam calmed his tone. “I need you to take care of yourself Ronan. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.”

“Exactly,” Ronan grumbled.

“What?”

Ronan looked at him dead on with perfectly clear, sober eyes. “It sucks to watch someone you care about self destruct, doesn’t it?”

Realization hit Adam like a tidal wave. Relief first and then anger. He shook his head and gritted his teeth. “You’re not drunk.” Ronan just looked at him. “This whole… stunt. This was just a show to what… teach me a lesson?” Adam spun on his heel and went inside. He was embarrassed at how easily Ronan had played him. How wound up he’d gotten over nothing. He was embarrassed and pissed and sick of it all. He started to shove his books into his bag and heard Ronan come in behind him.

“I’m sorry, Adam,” he said, so low it was barely more than a whisper. Adam paused and took a long steadying breath. Ronan rarely apologized and when he did, he meant it. Ronan shuffled up closer behind him and rested his head on Adam’s shoulder. “Don’t go. I’ll stop bugging you. I’ll let you work. Just don’t go.”

Adam closed his eyes. Hearing Ronan so low, without any fight in him, was crushing. Knowing it was Adam that had made him that way was unbearable. Ronan had been telling him that he needed more from Adam in every language he could think of and Adam just kept pushing him away. God, he sucked at this. He turned to face Ronan, keeping his head in place on his shoulder and clung fiercely to him. One hand gripped the back of Ronan’s neck the other fisted in his shirt. He had to do better.

“Don’t scare me like that,” Adam murmured.

They held each other for a long time. Eventually, Adam had to pull away to cough. Ronan was right of course. He should take better care of himself.

“I’m sorry I was an asshole earlier. I’ll take some of that tea now,” he offered as a conciliatory gesture.

Ronan gave him a sharp smile. “You may regret that.” He pulled something out of his back pocket. “I stopped by Fox Way and they gave me some new stuff.”

“For this cough?” Adam asked warily.

Ronan shrugged one shoulder. “I asked for something to cure your bullheadedness but they couldn’t promise me anything. Also, it smells like ass.”

Adam smiled and followed Ronan into the kitchen. He sat at the kitchen table and watched as Ronan put the kettle on. God he was beautiful. 

As he sat there Adam finally admitted to himself how tired he was. And sick. And stretched too thin. As a result he was fucking up every good thing that he had. He’d fucked up at Boyd’s - the only job he liked, the only boss he respected. He was overthinking school, redoing work that he didn’t need to do. And Ronan. This beautiful boy that he loved, that he hadn’t given time to. Who’d gone out to get him tea to heal his cough after he’d already been a dick to him about not needing any help. 

Ronan brought the steaming mug over and sat down across from him. He watched Adam, silent and careful, as if he sensed the stupid spiral of worthlessness he was letting himself fall into. “Don’t,” was all he said.

“Tell me how to do this. I don’t… fuck Ronan. I don’t know how to do this.”

Ronan just reached out and took his hand. He held it and rubbed his thumb over his knuckles for a long time. Finally, finally he spoke.

“Remember that day? That fucked up day by the side of that road, when…. when all that shit went down?” Adam nodded grimly. “After. Right after…. your hands were still tied and we were all so fucked up. But…. I held you. I held you up and you let me and I thought…. I thought ‘here it starts. this is what I’ve wanted’. I’d wanted to kiss you and touch you for fucking ever, but more than that I wanted to be…. your person. I wanted you to be mine. For a few moments there I believed it was going to happen.”

Adam remembered that day vividly. He remembered the moment Ronan was talking about. How good it felt to lean on him, to let Ronan support some of his weight. But that was also when he felt the most broken, the most vulnerable. When they’d come back to Monmouth and cleaned up and started to process it all Adam had been so ashamed. Ashamed of letting the demon take over his body, of hurting his friends, of being so powerless. He’d come back with even greater resolve to wipe out any vulnerabilities.

“I just want you to let me be that person,” Ronan finished.

It was a simple request. Simple and heartfelt and honest. And almost entirely fucking impossible for Adam to fulfill. He wanted to. He wanted to so badly, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know if he was capable of it. His whole identity was wrapped up in setting goals and hard work and ultimately complete self reliance. Who was he without that?

“What if I can’t? What if I never can?” he whispered.

“You can."

Adam shook his head and fisted his hands in his hair. Ronan didn’t understand. His heart was too open. His hopes too high. He believed in Adam and ultimately he was just going to get let down. He deserved better. Ronan deserved a person as capable of selfless love as he was. Adam wasn’t that person. It hurt like a mother to admit it but it was better to discover that now than later. He opened his mouth to say as much, still staring at the worn tabletop but Ronan cut him off. 

“Don’t. Don’t fucking say it.”

Adam looked up in shock. Ronan’s eyes were blazing with anger or determination or something Adam couldn’t identify. 

“I don’t want anyone else Adam. I want you.”

Adam just shook his head and tried to keep the tears from spilling down his cheeks. “Ro…."


	3. Three

Ronan woke well before dawn, although it hardly felt like waking up. He’d spent much of the night on the window seat in his room staring out into the darkness and sometimes watching Adam sleep. He'd climbed into bed for a while but then slipped out hours before Adam would likely wake up.

He was tempted to stay as long as he could in that warm bed with that beautiful boy. He was tempted because he suspected that it might be the last morning he was allowed to.

Ronan had seen the defeat in Adam’s eyes the night before. He saw the hopelessness and then the resolve pass over his face. He knew Adam had convinced himself that he could never be the partner that Ronan wanted. Which of course was utter horse shit. 

Ronan had stormed out from the kitchen before Adam could say more. He’d gone outside and kicked over some shit in the yard and considered going on another drive. Eventually he’d found himself in one of the barns with some of his father’s dream things and by the time he’d come back in, Adam had gone to bed.

It had worked the night before so he figured he’d keep up his cowardly streak. If Adam couldn’t talk to him he couldn’t break up with him, and while ultimately that was a shitty plan, it was the best he could come up with.

He went out to feed some of the animals and do his morning chores and when he came back to the house a little after sunrise Adam and his shitbox car were gone.

Ronan ignored the searing pain in his chest. Well, he tried to. He gathered some tools and went back to the shingling project. His mood was even less suitable for the job than yesterday but he kept at it. Punishment for pushing Adam too far.

So he was shocked when he glanced up and saw Adam coming towards him across the field a few hours later. His hands were in his pockets and his shoulders were up by his ears and he looked nervous. Fucking great.

He also looked healthier. The bags under his eyes had diminished some and the sallow tint to his skin was gone.

Ronan set down his tools and brushed his hands off on his jeans. “You look like you’re feeling better.”

“I am. That tea worked wonders. And the soup?” Really nervous. And weird. 

“I thought you left.”

“I did for a bit. I had to go pick up a few things.” Add vague to the list. “I was going to… when are you… are you coming back to the house soon?”

Ronan shrugged. “Yeah. I can.”

So they walked back down the hill together in an extremely awkward silence. Ronan had a million questions, but he was scared of the answers, so he held his tongue. Adam kept acting weird.

When they reached the back porch he paused and turned towards Ronan.

“Can I say something before we go inside?” Ronan just raised his brows expectantly. “I sort of had an epiphany last night,”

Shit. “Adam..”

“Just let me say this.” Adam took a deep breath and let it out slowly before he started again. “I suck at this… all of this relationship stuff. I never learned….it doesn’t come naturally to me. I just…. I think… “

Ronan closed his eyes and braced for what was coming next. 

“I want to do better.” 

Ronan’s eyes flew open.

“I’m going to try harder, I want to be a better boyfriend to you.” Ronan just gaped. Adam took his hand and gave him a shy smile then turned to pull him into the kitchen.

Inside the table was spread with pancakes and bacon and coffee and juice. There was a tablecloth and a vase of yellow flowers in the middle.

Adam’s smile had grown. “Sit down,” he said and started to put pancakes on a plate.

“Adam, you didn’t have to do all this.” Ronan sat there dumbly. Too surprised and confused and relieved to eat.

“I wanted to. And there’s more.” Adam sat down and handed him an envelope that had been leaning against the flower vase. “Open it.”

Ronan did but couldn’t find the mental capacity to understand what it said even after he’d read it through twice.

“What is this?”

“It’s a copy of my acceptance letter to school number three. I sent it this morning. I’m taking the full ride.”

It was too much. Too much to believe.

“Are you sure?”

Adam took the letter out of his hand and scooted closer. He took both of Ronan’s hands in his. “One hundred percent.”

“I thought… After last night, I thought….”

“I know. I know. I realized last night that I was stretched too thin. Between work and school and you. I knew I had to cut back somewhere. And I know how to work harder, I know how to study more. Those are things I’m comfortable with. But this, with you? I didn’t know how to fix it. I didn’t have the skills to do it better, and I went to bed thinking that ending it was the answer. Then, I woke at some point and saw you sitting on that window seat. I thought of saying those words to you and my heart broke. Like, I literally felt this ache in my chest, which sounds terrible but… It was good, you know? It was a relief to know…. to know I could… to know that I couldn’t give you up.”

Ronan tugged on Adam’s hands until he was forced to climb onto Ronan’s lap so they were nose to nose, chest to chest. It was a little awkward but Ronan needed to be touching him, all of him. He buried his face in Adam’s neck and breathed him in. He didn’t trust his own voice for a long while. Adam didn’t rush him.

“What the fuck did they put in that tea?” he finally mumbled into Adam’s shirt.

Adam pulled away a bit to smile down at him. His face was so soft and fond it hurt. There was so much Ronan wanted to say. “This food is terrible,” he chose instead. He stabbed a pancake to demonstrate his point. Uncooked batter spilled out of the middle onto the blackened crust. The bacon looked almost raw.

Adam let his head fall against Ronan’s and laughed lightly. "I know. It’s so bad. It was so much harder than I anticipated.”

“And what did you do to the kitchen?” The counter was covered with what appeared to be every pot, pan and bowl in the house.

Adam smiled down at him and placed a hand alongside Ronan’s face. “What can I say? I’m a work in progress.”

Ronan turned into his hand and kissed the inside of his wrist. Adam stroked his cheek with his thumb.

“Teach me?” Adam asked, so quietly.

Ronan pulled away slightly to study his face. “To cook?”

“That. And the other stuff too. I think… I think I need you to help me with some of it…”

“Yeah,” Ronan croaked. He knew his face was all screwed up so he buried it back in Adam’s neck. “Yeah.”


End file.
